Soul Searchin’

I realize that most of you come to this blog to read the Adventures of Jake in Europe, but I’ve decided to take a detour from that. This is a topic of greater personal importance than anything I have talked about previously and I felt that it would be great to share with the many people in the Midwest that share my struggle.

This past week I have been faced with many realizations found by both myself and introduced by people whom I respect very much. It has been very difficult and it was necessary to do this alone. Throughout this entry I will try to give my perception of myself as I have been explained by other people in the past and not my own.

Me, or not me???

Many of you that know me well can attest to the fact that I am a rather difficult to get to know. It is not that I lack openness, I believe that I am just expected to be different than I really am and that confuses people.

I am a perfectionist in many regards, open-minded, opinionated, shy, friendly, loner, outgoing, nerdy, somewhat athletic, conservative, generous, stingy, and many other things. Within recent years I have found that it is difficult even to describe myself. How do you identify with yourself, your emotions, feelings and understand your capabilities if you can’t even describe yourself? How can you possibly be yourself when you interact with other people?

A little background

I was born and raised almost wholly in the small Midwest city of Moorhead, MN. Not to say that it doesn’t have a lot going for it, but it doesn’t have a lot going for it. Living in Moorhead is basically like living in a white, middle-class, overly-friendly, close-minded, Christian, non-progressive incubator. Now I’m sure there are some of you that are insulted, others thinking “what about…” It doesn’t matter, that isn’t the point. I only describe this because it is important later.

As a male in the Midwest I was taught, mostly at school, that emotion is wrong. Showing it in any way is a sign of weakness and could possibly show that you are different and worthy to be made fun of. To cry in school, especially in public, was wrong. As a child I was very emotional. Through various experiences as a child I learned that I should not be this way and tried to correct it, maybe too much. Anger was also wrong, and frustration unnecessary. Happiness is ok, but it’s really just fake because we’re going to over-compensate you for everything that you do.

As Americans we’re taught that it is important to do things logically, that if there isn’t a reason, an action and a tangible result, it’s not worth going after. We’re taught to be business people, driven by the almighty dollar (yes, I’m generalizing). Now what if we feel that something is a good idea, but it doesn’t make logical sense? Then it’s irrational, wrong, and in the eyes of your friends, family, and otherwise a horrible idea that would make you “stupid” to pursue.

An Incredibly Impersonal Business Example

Some of the best corporations in the world were built off of such risk. One of the largest being Bill Gates for example. Why in the world would you drop out of Harvard and spend your life savings to start a company called MicroSoft that makes software for devices that already have stiff competition? Does that make sense? As a result of his risk, he has changed every aspect of our world. He is currently in charge of the largest corporation in the world, as well as some of the largest charitable funds. Seems stupid now, doesn’t he?

Now realistically someone could come back and say “yeah, but my brother Jimmy did the same thing and he didn’t have success.” Good for him. Life is full of adventure, missed opportunities, mistakes, failures and success stories. Not taking a risk is sometimes one of the stupidest things you can do. Life is too short to live “by the books.” Why do the same thing as everyone else? Is that always the best route? Is society training us to be robots following a set path of: birth->school->work->have children->repeat? When do we get to really, truly enjoy life?

Americans are especially guilty of this. People are happy, brainwashed, never questioning, always doing. Often they don’t even realize they do not enjoy what they are doing, merely because they have never asked themselves “is this what I really want and not what someone else wants me to do?”

Yes, it is true that America is one of the most prosperous, successful countries in the world. Why would I attack something so successful and dear to everyone’s heart? Because I can and because it needs to be done. Everything should be questioned, even that of which you are sure.

We are workaholics. We work from the day we are 15 years old (or earlier for many) until we are 65+ for a measly two weeks of vacation per year which is usually spent repairing the house. But the best years of our lives were college and high school, remember? After that it is all downhill, we are doomed to the life that is set before us, predetermined by society. We then decide that risk is silly, that if we do something extraordinary, extreme, even stupid, that we will be doomed to a life lacking success and become a disappointment to *other* people. Notice that it is *other* people… why do we put so much care into what other people think?

Back to Reality

This has a point, really. I am a people pleaser. I was raised a people pleaser by society, that it is not OK to be different, to use your emotions to make decisions, especially irrational ones due to what others may think. I feel that many people in the Midwest are also victim of this problem. It is good to be unselfish, to do things for other people, but when you blatantly ignore, make excuses for or cover up the actions of others to make something seem ‘ok’ it is WRONG, dead wrong. You are hurting yourself, and eventually it will come to haunt you as it has recently come to haunt me.

I cry, I’m a grown adult and I cry. A lot. It recently occurred to me that this is the strongest emotion I have: sadness. This made me even sadder, great, huh? I discovered that I lacked happiness. Why have I never noticed that I lacked this emotion? How long has it been gone? I started to realize that I felt numb. Everything around me was numb and unquestioned-I didn’t even realize why I was doing what I was doing. Something needed to change.

Due to my nature as a people pleaser, I internalize my emotions. Such internalizing has many psychological effects on a person. It can result in the decrease in overall emotional ability(!!), emotional stability and can cause general unhappiness. Prolonged exposure to such emotional stress can slowly cause a mental breakdown you don’t even understand or realize; things just crash over time. You have no idea why you feel the way you do, but you don’t remember anything different.

I don’t openly show sadness, I usually do not openly show anger and I make excuses for peoples’ actions against me, even though I don’t like them. I don’t stand up for myself, I make it my problem. I adjust (fake) my personality, responses, and actions in an effort to appear “normal” to other people. I do this unknowingly, unwillingly.
I don’t think I ever wanted to accept this fact. To make myself vulnerable, to admit that I was a fake. During my struggle with this the past week, it was advised (for an almost totally unrelated reason) that I try to discover myself. During this process I should journal and write about my struggles. This was the BEST suggestion I have ever received in my life! I finally had an outlet for my feelings, my frustrations, and my thoughts. I have tried this many times before, but never to this extent. I believe this is a first step for me.

In the past week I have gained a better understanding of myself. I have gained confidence that I had lost, re-realized my potential and started to get my life back on track. I no longer feel unhappy and in fact am slowly regaining my ability to be truly happy. I have identified and admitted my demons and can now act to remove them. I am going to continue writing a journal, maybe even post some of my thoughts on here (or another, more personal blog). The best way to grow is to make yourself vulnerable with others, show them your weaknesses. Something I feel I have many of.

The struggle to improve myself in this regard, become more of myself is going to be a long one that I will work tirelessly at. If I seem different, that is why; it is likely the true me and not “fake Jake.” I am going to be more upfront, honest and possibly emotional. I am going to pursue my dreams, however irrational and not follow the mold of society. I realize I will have many failures, as well as successes on my journey and that is ok with me.

Thank you to everyone for helping me become the person I am. I truly am happy with myself and not depressed or otherwise.